The Future's Bright.....
myspace
Flickr - Latest Photos
The Relationship Experience
posted Sunday, 16 October 2005
Before I start, it might be worth pointing out that this entry doesn't necessarily reflect what is going on in my life at the moment. It's just a general discussion piece. Honestly.
The question that has been making me ponder today is that of relationships. What the different 'stages' of a relationship are, what 'signs' are there that you are 'in' a relationship and how or what causes you to 'move' through the 'phases'. And, perhaps, what benefits / drawbacks there are to being to being 'in' a 'relationship'.
Depending on which girl you speak to, relationships appear to follow a precarious path through a minefield of stages and milestones. Sometimes this will begin with 'dating', perhaps followed by 'seeing each other' and maybe then 'going out'. Older relatives will then throw words like 'courting' into the equation. Or maybe even 'going steady'. But then there's also the 'open' relationship to contend with, along with the 'casual' relationship. 'Monogamous' relationships also appear, as does 'shagging', 'messing about' and 'having fun'. Not forgetting the 'seeing how it goes', 'taking it one step at a time', 'not rushing into anything' and other things that commitment-phobes will come out with. And, of course, you will potentially end up with 'living together', 'engaged', 'married', 'seperated', 'divorced'. Perhaps. And that's ignoring 'friends with benefits', 'fuck buddies' and 'just good friends'.
So relationships really aren't straightforward things for girls, and, to a lesser extent, for boys as well.
Back in the day, when Celeste and I were about to enter into our three years of attached bliss, I had kind of assumed we were already 'going out', but Celeste was under the impression that we were just 'seeing each other'. I distinctly remember one day in The Oracle (where we both worked) when I had to ask her to 'go out' with me, as it didn't count as 'going out' until a formal invitation and acceptance had been secured.
So how do you know which stage of a relationship you are in?! And does it actually matter? The safest route seems to be to ask the girl what stage of the relationship you are in. Fairly foolproof method methinks. But then you need to work out what her definition of this stage is and what that might mean for you. For example, some of the stages will involve 'exclusivity' and some won't. Now this is quite an important thing to establish at an early stage, and should save either party getting 'hurt' or 'feeling used'.
Then there's the Christmas / birthday thing. Different 'stages' of a relationship will require different levels of investment in gifts. A very dangerous business, especially if you haven't come to an agreement as to the 'stage' you are in. Buying a girl a bunch of flowers probably won't go down too well if she has bought you a Rolex. Risky business.
There's also the introductions thing. If you are at a function together and need to introduce your partner to other people, it is very important that you use the terminology that is appropraite to your 'stage'. 'This is my friend, Hermione' probably won't go down too well if Hermione thinks that she is 'your girlfriend Hermione'. Or possibly worse if she is under the impression that she is your wife.
Thinking back, way back when, again at The Oracle, (where my ex ex also used to work at one stage), it was literally a couple of days after we had 'split up'. I had to introduce her to my boss, for whatever reason. The introduction went something like this:
'Ex ex - This is John - he's my boss.
John - this is my g........
*whirring of brain*
*reddening of face*
*sense of panic*
*feeling that minutes have elapsed*
...............................................ood friend Ex ex.'
'Good Friend', it transpires, is not a good thing to refer to your very recent ex as. Some time later I was reliably informed, through her resultant sobs, that the ideal would have been 'John - this is Ex ex'. Seemed quite simple when she said it.
The worry caused by my dreadful error resulted in me mentioning in front of them both that he had crabs. My error didn't seem quite so bad after that.....
Anyway, where was I?
Ah yes, what are the benefits of a relationship, over friendship? Well, in a normal situation, you don't tend to snog / shag your mates. Or at least not often. So a relationship allows you to do that on a regular basis. It also means, in normal situations, that you don't have to tell people that you're single and haven't had a shag in two years.
It also enables you to not have to lie to ugly people at clubs that chat you up. 'Sorry I've got a girlfriend' will probably sound more convincing if you actually have one. Relationships also allow you to do things together on days off, without your friends giving you strange looks.
On the downside, relationships tend to mean reducing the amount of time you spend staring at other women. And to an extent, reducing the level of flirtation with aforementioned other women. And having to divide your time up between your family, friends and partner. Although in my case, I never talk to other women and have no friends, so the downsides aren't too bad for me....
So, to recap, we've established that it's important to know which 'stage' you are in and what that actually means to your friend / partner / wife / girl / ladyfriend / fiance / escort / fuckbuddy / bitch. We've also established that it's best to let the girl decide which 'stage' you are both in, seeing as how relationships are more confusing for girls.
But what other signs can you look out for, just in case your object of desire hates, for example, talking about relationships? From a man's perspective it seems fairly easy.
You meet up for 'dates' on a semi-regular basis - you're therefore DATING.
You agree that you're not going to pull other people - you're therefore GOING OUT.
All seems very simple.
Unless of course, for whatever reason, you shouldn't technically be having any kind of relationship with the object of your affection whatsoever. In which case, you don't call it anything, carry on regardless, and hope no-one else notices.
Probably....