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The 'Men's Club Grunting' Experience
posted Thursday, 17 November 2005
Bollocks.
23:46 on Thursday evening and no posting as yet by my good self. I'm slipping, I really am. Fortunately hardly anyone else has done one as yet either. Admittedly they may have the excuse of not working to GMT, but at least I don't look so bad by comparison....
This week's topic is twofold:
'What men / women say and what they really mean, and why do men grunt instead of speaking.'
I've a strange feeling that this entry is going to be shit. Suffice to say that if I end it with a quote fron Shakespeare it means the whole thing has gone tits up.
Allez allez.
The grunting's the easy part of this methinks. Men do not grunt - they merely communicate on a higher plain and women have not yet learnt to interprate what is actually being said. Much like dogs can hear high pitch whistely stuff, men can communicate on a different frequency to women. Unfortunately, as women are not yet advanced enough to tune in to this, all they can hear is grunting. This explains why men can communicate perfectly adequately by 'grunting' to other men (during football, for example). It's a science thing ladies....
Now on to the trickier part. Let's have a poke at what us men say and what we actually mean. This is purely based on my conceptions of other men, and, of course, has no bearing on the things I actually say in real life. When I say things to people I always mean them 100% of the time. Honestly.
'You're hair looks different' = '....and looks really shit now. Much preferred it before'
'You look really beautiful when I kiss you' = '....because your face goes all blurry and I can't see how ugly you look'
'It's ok honey, I don't mind missing the football' = '....assuming hell freezes over first. And btw, I'll resent you forever for it.'
'It's really good that you are so open with your feelings' = '....but please just SHUT UP now you miserable, whiney cow.'
Anyhoo. Only joking. Ahem.
Seriously though, I think men do come out with a lot of shit at times. And deep down a lot of the time I really don't even know what I mean when I say stuff. In fact, half of the time I don't even know what I'm feeling, let alone be able to find the correct words to express it. So some of the time I just come out with shit that really doesn't mean anything. To anyone. Like now. What the fuck am I talking about here?!? It looks, to the uneducated eye, that I've no idea how to answer the topic so am just filling this middle bit out with absolute bollocks. Best bet is to remove this entire paragraph and paste in something that makes some kind of sense.
Onwards.
There are two particular comments / questions that I will always tend to respond to in the same way. For example:
'Do you actually know where we're going?'
'Yeah, don't worry. We'll see a sign for it soon.'
This is never the case. I am just stubborn, and will happily drive off the edge of the earth before admitting I'm lost.
'That girl fancies you.'
'Which girl? Her?!? Definitely not. She's just being friendly.'
I tend to know when people fancy me, but will never admit it to anyone, just in case I'm wrong. Or to avoid rumours starting. Or to avoid suspicion / jealousy. Or so I don't have to 'make a move' on her.
I know what the problem is with this post so far. The question is incredibly broad. That's why I'm struggling. I say so many things that mean so many other things that it would take me a lifetime to write about them. I do occasionally say exactly what I mean, but that only tends to be by mistake or when backed into a corner. I'm just one big facade. A sham. Woe is me.
Gash.
I imagine that most girls also mean completely different things when they say stuff. Or they certainly seem to give off that impression at least. As a rule of thumb I find that women tend to mean the exact opposite of what they actually say. But how is a mere boy ever to understand the bizarre workings of the female mind?
In summary, when writing entries based on the above topic, I tend to write a load of twaddle, when what I actually mean to write is something insightful and inspirational. To finish, a quote from Shakespeare.
'There's nothing I would rather give. Except my life. Except my life. Except my life.'
Well that dove-tailed nicely.
I love lamp.
For other views on this topic which, for the love of God, will hopefully be better than this one, please visit The Project Bowl, Phin, Naked Villainy, Beer Brains, Fistful of Fortnights, Just Breathe, Villains Vanquished, Cake Eater Chronicles, Who Moved My Truth and the Vile File.
Just go. Quickly. And pretend this never happened....